Parenting the Oikos Principle

I often use the metaphor of a “front row” as a way to describe our oikos. Considering our entire “theater,” filled with all the people we know at some level, the eight to fifteen people sitting in the front row have the best vantage point to both listen to what we say about Jesus and watch how we reflect Jesus in our lives.

So, if you’re a parent, who is able to listen to you most often and hear you most clearly, or watch you most often and see you most clearly? Your immediate family. 

Back in 2000, our son Drew and I were given tickets to the NBA Finals. I thought they’d be in the nosebleeds, but heck, it was the Finals, so who cares? But when I glanced at the tickets, they read Section 111, Row 1. Folks that’s lower level, center court, Row 1. I thought, “Man, we’re going to be on the floor.” But when we got to the then Staples Center, we realized that there was a Row A and Row B in front of Row 1. Now, don’t get me wrong. We were pretty excited to see Shaq and Kobe play that close up! And in the finals, to boot. But we learned there was the front row, and then there was the FRONT row.

So, back to our oikos. When we talk about your immediate family, we’re not just talking about the front row, we’re talking about the FRONT row. God has given us more than a Row 1. He’s given many of us a ROW A.

According to the Barna Group, 59% of American believers had believing parents. Further, only 21% of Americans choose not to continue building on the same faith-foundations that they were taught by their parents. And the top influencer in a child’s life? (Drum roll, please!) A parent. Number 2 is a grandparent. (Which also has the word parent in it.)

What can we conclude from all of that? Well, one thing is clearly this. The more intentional we parents are about following Jesus, the more likely our kids will become Jesus-followers as well.

You can chalk that up to biology. Because, our children, just like us, were built to watch. As I often highlight in our training events, it’s estimated that there are 11,000,000 sensory receptors in the human brain, and about 10,000,000 of them are committed to the sense of sight. That means that somewhere around 91% of the sensory receptors in your (and everyone else’s) brain is committed to helping you see things. The other 9% are divided up by our other four senses, what we hear, smell, touch, and feel. So, what does that tell us about God’s intent when He created us? How did God primarily intend for us to learn things, literally, from day one? By watching.

The reason Jesus gave us the oikos principle to transmit the Gospel as a virus is that Jesus designed our anatomy to leverage it. And, of all the people, who can see us well, our spouse and children can see us best. You might be able to get away with hypocrisy in other relationships. But pity the fool who tries to do that at home!

You can strong-arm children to go to church when they’re young, even force them to “pray the prayer” of salvation. But whenever a well-intentioned talk is not backed up by an authentic personal walk, whatever we say will fall on deaf ears.

The difference between having power and developing authority is a key here. Power is defined by author James Hunter as “the ability to force or coerce someone to do your will, even if they would choose not to, because of your position or might.” People submit because you can fire them, or shoot them, or beat them up, or ground them. The primary sense we use to convey power is hearing. We tell people what to do and, should we have enough power, they comply.

He defines authority as “the skill of getting someone to willingly do your will because of your personal influence.” The primary sense we use to convey influence is sight.

As a parent, to utilize a long-term philosophy of controlling children is short-sighted. That’s why it is important to understand the differences between parenting young children and parenting teenagers. The ability to discipline a younger child provides a dynamic, where control is maintained because we have obvious leverage. Our names are on the mortgage, not theirs. We pay for groceries, they don’t. And we’re bigger than them. We have control of young children because we have obvious power over young children. But when a child begins to grow, the power automatically begins to diminish. As a result, with teenagers, parents need to have made sufficient progress in the transition from a control-based relationship to an authority-based relationship. That doesn’t mean that, with teenagers, you’ve completely lost power. But raising a teenager should be a clear reminder that you’re most definitely losing power.

To illustrate this, ask someone to help you take the power test. Put your hand in the air and hold it close to your partner’s hand, like you’re going to give them a high-five, but don’t touch hands yet. Then push against the hand of that person. What happened? They pushed back, that’s what happened. You can’t even do a silly exercise without trying to take power over people! There’s a lesson there. Our fallenness causes us to want to push back. And, as your child grows up, their ability to push back also grows up!

For years, Sheryl and I could control our kids. But those days are long gone! We have absolutely no leverage anymore. Without spiritual influence, we couldn’t continue a healthy relationship where they continue to honor us into their adult years.

The effectiveness of power has a shelf life. We can control our younger kids through disciplinary events, simply by telling them what to do. And we can get so used to that, we’re shocked when that season ends.

(Child) “But why do I have to do that?” (Parent) “Because I said so.” Actually, if that’s the best you got, that the only reason they should comply is because you say so, you might want to reevaluate what’s going on in that moment.

So, what builds influence? A consistent example of godly humility, evidenced by submission to the authority of God’s Word. And who is the most influential person in human history? Jesus.

In Matthew 11:29, Jesus provides the only first-person evaluation of Himself that we find in the Gospels. We parents would raise our game significantly if we were able to communicate the same thing to our kids.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Even if they’re not listening, one thing is certain.

They’re definitely watching.